My dad is courageous. When I was 13 years old, he was driving me home from school one day and he asked me if I’d begun masturbating. When I said yes, he lent me a book from his library all about spiritual sexuality. He was being a good dad, showing his support for me exploring my burgeoning sexual self in healthy ways. Sadly, he was too late.
I had already been exposed to porn through my peers and to our pornified, highly sexualized culture through movies, advertising and just about every media form in existence. I already believed that men needed to be goal-oriented, pneumatic machines, pumping away to bring ‘perfectly’ proportioned women (actresses) to screaming orgasms (apparently).
Life, surprisingly, refused to match up with my illusions, and I fumbled through years of awkwardness and embarrassment, wondering what I was doing wrong.
It was only in my early twenties -when I began a more serious quest into the question of “Who am I?” (along with a stint of celibacy) that I realized that I hadn’t been doing anything wrong, I’d just been focusing on the wrong things. As I embraced my sexual playfulness, joy and curiosity, I discovered that there was so much more to me that just a goal-oriented competitor in a game I had never signed up to play.
There is such a terrible imbalance in our society. Violence and objectification are commonplace, while honest conversations about sensuality and vulnerability are hidden and taboo. I believe we need platforms which encourage and enable healthy and joyful attitudes towards sexuality. Sites like MLNP, ‘Beautiful Agony’ and ‘I Feel Myself’ are a few which offer wonderfully sexy erotica, much needed alternatives to the acted-out, violent and degrading portrayals of human connection which are the unfortunate norm.
I love TED and have enjoyed several informative talks on sexuality and porn culture, such as Ran Gavrieli speaking about why he stopped watching porn. It was TED which introduced me to Cindy Gallop’s talk, which spoke to me so much that I signed up immediately. It was some months before I rented my first movie… and quite a few more before I uploaded my own. I am a singer-songwriter by trade and I love performing on stage, so I guess there’s a bit of an exhibitionist in me. In many ways it’s similar to what I do when I play music: when I sing my songs, I remove my masks and share myself moment by moment, just as I am. Sometimes there is fear, sometimes laughter. This is life.
I’ve been trying to understand what draws me to show myself so vulnerably to strangers online via MLNP. My answer so far is that it’s my personal revolution, my passionate attempt to even the playing fields. There is so much being shown out there about men as perpetrators of violence, supporters of rape culture, subjugators of the feminine and so on. I want to offer something different, a man embracing his true sensuality and taking proud pleasure in his body and orgasms. Unashamedly vulnerable and delicately wild, it is my hope that my openness inspires others to open themselves to themselves in kind. Also, it turns me on, heh. I suppose I’m a hopeful romantic and, in my world, honest sexuality IS NORMAL.
I came to realize that porn, and my culture’s pornographic attitude toward sexuality, had stunted my potential for sexual expression. Through my explorations I discovered that I am a highly sensitive, highly sensual man. I embraced the emotions which drive sexuality, diving into the sensual experience of connection, either with another or with myself. I’m still on that journey today.
I’ve seen some incredibly touching (excuse the pun) videos on MLNP. Recently Corkle has stolen my heart. She epitomises sensuality and abandoning oneself to the moment. This inspires me to continue exploring my own beliefs, limitations and desires as honestly as I am able.
One of my fears is that my videos will somehow become ‘public’. What would the people who enjoy my music think, what would my friends think…what would my MOM think!? A part of me wants it to happen, wants to push the envelope and enable more authentic conversations; inspire people to ask more questions about why real sex is taboo and violence is the norm.
I think it’s totally 100% ok to be a proudly erotic, sensual human being and, to put it as simply as Gandhi did, I am attempting to be the change I wish to see in the world.
If you liked this, make sure to check out Nate’s equally beautiful music!