I did not expect to write these words this evening, and here I am, telling you, dear reader, that the only thing missing in my life is me.
I’ve been sat on the couch all day, again, watching youtube videos about whether mac or pc is better. No, it doesn’t matter, it really doesn’t. Almost everything else in my life matters more to me, in my heart.
Through some miraculous combination of unexpected happening, I have wandered into my perfect life:
- I am a full-time creator, thanks to my nearly 400 patrons on Patreon…they are the kindest, most generous humans I know.
- I have written some songs I’m genuinely proud of, which have supported some people through their darkest and brightest life moments.
- My girlfriend blesses me with her high regard. Her depths, presence and colours blow me away every day.
- I have family and friends worth living for (although I feel physically too far from almost all of them nearly all of the time).
And yet, despite these innumerable blessings, here I am, again, stuck. Stuck, dense and thick in my decay. No, not even decay; at least decay is an active process. What I am experiencing is stagnation, rut, an absence of motion, removal of oxygen, cessation. Apathy, my dreaded enemy.
If I wrote you out my dreams, this page would overflow with life, with a firefly cloud of glittering hope and potential.
But if I showed you my actions, the things I fill my daily life with, you would watch as each of those glowing floating bundles of potential flickered and faded, falling under the weight that is, simply, me.
The thing that’s missing in my life is me.
That sentence is hitting me so hard right now, as tears run into my beard.
I’ve been trying for too long to shift this inexplicable load, and all the weight does is become heavier.
What is WRONG with me!?
I have a dream life, doing what I love, and yet I’m sabotaging the whole thing, breaking it all down, one friend, lover, place, supporter and action at a time.
Look at me -please, oh please, look, like, love, share, care, tell me you’re there- always seeking my joy just beyond the horizon. I’m exhausted with feeling this way, tired of hurting -physically and emotionally- almost every single day. I remain trapped within this prison -this person- I have created and re-create every day I choose not to live my truth, my light, my dreams.
I don’t have any answers. I’m sorry. Maybe tomorrow will be better, though based on previous experience, I don’t have much hope for that.
Maybe I shouldn’t tell you this.
Perhaps falling apart Nathan, deep in victim mode, is not what you want to hear. Maybe all the wonderful things will only go away sooner if I tell you this: the only thing missing in my life is me.
Thank you for listening.