“I felt as though I was falling in love with you…but that feeling is gone.”
I thought I was being honest, being real, just telling it like it was. What I was doing was breaking her heart and I was so wrapped up in my own story I couldn’t even hear the sound of it cracking.
Once I had said those words she wouldn’t talk to me, wouldn’t look at me, wouldn’t answer a call or respond to an email except with a terrible anger. Love and hate share many borders and crossing over sometimes happens so fast it’s like an explosion and the landscape is indelibly altered; valleys where once there were mountains and oceans where once there were woods.
I tried to make it right between us, to be friends. I just couldn’t leave it alone, accept that I’d fucked up already, and do my best to learn from my mistake and move on. I kept pushing. It all culminated on the night I went to a party even though I knew she’d be there. I strolled in, grinning and oblivious to the turmoil my presence would surely cause her. When she saw me she instantly walked to the host and began saying her goodbyes, so I walked up and said, “Hey, if it’s going to be a problem, I’ll leave,” at which point she turned around and punched me in the face.
It took me a long time to realise that I was the one who stepped across her boundaries time and again, trying to force her to forgive me, when forgiveness is only something which can be freely found and freely given. It was only when I truly accepted my part in our play, without judgement, that the words for this broken heart song arrived.
If you have broken someone’s heart, perhaps this will support you in forgiving yourself for the mistakes you made. If your heart has been the casualty in a war of love then I hope this song will remind you that any pain someone causes you comes from pain they themselves are in.
I feel a deep warm healing sadness when I sing or listen to Kept It Hid, so in some ways perhaps it is the glue which fills the cracks every broken heart song helps to fill. And, who knows, perhaps then the heart heals bigger, wider, stronger and more able to give and receive love. Perhaps every broken heart and every broken heart song is an invitation to keep growing.
We are all students on the path of life. Forgiveness begins in you, whenever you are ready.
I love you all
PS: I would love to hear what you feel about this story, song and ideas of pain and forgiveness. Do you relate to what I’ve said/sung? Have you felt this way before, as either the breaker or the broken? Let me know in the comments and I very much look forward to hearing from you.
image credit: Majali
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